


Beyond Healing: Past, Present, Future

by thegaolersdaughter



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:14:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25591144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegaolersdaughter/pseuds/thegaolersdaughter
Summary: Three months after the end of Leonard's and Penny's relationship, Leonard finds out that Penny cheated on him with one of her friends. This is a three-part story giving an insight into Leonard's mind and feelings. I took the liberty to borrow two actual scenes from the show and alter them slightly to fit the focus of my story. Contains explicit language. Enjoy!
Relationships: Leonard Hofstadter/Penny
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	1. Prologue

“Wow, Sheldon, I cannot believe you made up your own game”, said Penny as she was rolling the dice.

“Oh, “Research Lab” is more than a game.” Sheldon grabbed the box of his newly invented game. The cover was plain. The name of the game was printed in the center embraced by, what seemed to Leonard, two miniature Sheldons in suits. “It’s like the slogan says: “The physics is theoretical, but the fun is real.” Clearly proud of the slogan and even prouder of the game, Sheldon put the box away.

“We must not be playing it right”, said Leonard, widely grinning at Penny to see if his joke landed. Nothing. That didn’t matter to Leonard, though. He knew he wasn’t the funniest man Penny had ever dated, not even the most handsome, or the tallest, or the richest. _Definitely the most intelligent, though._ Sometimes, when Leonard would wake up and find Penny lying next to him, he would pinch himself to make certain he wasn’t dreaming. He couldn’t believe his luck. The day she agreed to finally date him was by far the happiest he had ever been.

“Alright, five. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, wow, look at that. My Department of Defense research grant is renewed.” Penny said, with a feigned tone of excitement. _She looks so beautiful, today. Then again, she always looks beautiful. With her long, dark-blonde hair, her high cheekbones, her captivating smile, and her spellbinding voice._

“Oh! Great roll!” Sheldon was perspicuously the only one at the table who genuinely enjoyed playing his game. “Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider.”

“Yay.” Penny said in a singing voice, equally sarcastic as before.

“You’re a natural at this, Penny.” Sheldon was ignorant of the sarcastic tone. “And as the first beta testers, you two’ll have quite the edge when we play with Wolowitz and Koothrappali on Sunday.”

“Oh, gee, Sheldon, I don’t think we can play on Sunday.” Leonard said, hopelessly thinking of a good excuse.

“Why not?”

“Because of the reasons that Penny will now tell you.” _She’ll think of something._ “Penny?”

“Actually, I have to pick up my friend Justin from the airport.”

“There you go”, Leonard said, looking at Sheldon, “she has to pick up her friend Justin at the airport.” This was by far the proudest Leonard had felt since the start of their relationship. He appreciated these little moments he had with Penny. Moments which proved that they didn’t need words to communicate. Moments in which Leonard felt their minds were connected. Moments in which he knew that they were meant to be together. “And I can’t play ‘cause I’m going with her – right?” He turned to Penny to share this proud moment with her. To feel the validation of their psychological intimacy.

“Um, yeah, if you want. I mean, there may not be room. He’s got a lot of stuff – like guitars and amplifiers.” Penny said in all seriousness. Leonard was perplexed.

“Wait.” The illusion of this great intimacy they supposedly shared shattered in a million little pieces. He felt his heart beating faster. “What are you talking about?”

“My friend Justin”, Penny said. _Why the fuck does she act like I’m supposed to know what she’s talking about?_

“Pay attention, Leonard. That’s why she can’t play on Sunday.” Sheldon added. Leonard ignored him.

“Who is this Justin?” Leonard was utterly confused about the current situation. Penny, however, seemed entirely confused of his confusion, as she kept insisting that Leonard was supposed to know what she meant.

“I told you about him.”

“Your turn, Leonard.” Sheldon added. Again receiving no response.

“No, you didn’t.”

“Roll the dice Leonard.”

“Yeah – my friend from Omaha.” Penny seemed to expect Leonard to remember some hidden memory he suppressed. “Plays the guitar.” She waited briefly for a reaction. Leonard was visibly frowning. Penny was ignorant of his frown, however, and continued as though they were talking about some misunderstanding they had about what the weather was going to be like on the weekend. “Anyway, he’s coming to L.A. looking for some session work, so I told him he could just crash on my couch for a few weeks.”

“Come on, Leonard – if you roll a six, Penny dies horribly in a nuclear meltdown. See what I mean when I say the fun is real?” Sheldon was clearly desperate to avoid a confrontation. But Leonard wasn’t just going to ignore that some guitarist was going to sleep in his girlfriend’s apartment. _For a few weeks? Is she fucking insane?_

“Hang on. Some guy is gonna be sleeping on your couch?”

“He’s not “some guy”. He’s my friend.”

“So by “friend”, do you mean “friend friend”, “gay friend”, or “ex-boyfriend who you’re not platonic with but still might have a thing for you” friend?” Leonard hoped Penny would recognize the absurdity of the question and acknowledge her error in this argument.

She didn’t. “Well, he’s definitely not gay.”

“Oh, a definitely not gay musician sleeping on my girlfriend’s couch. Yipee.” _If she doesn’t see the sarcasm in that I don’t know what to do anymore._

“Okay, we went out a little bit, a long time ago. But we were never like “going out”.”

_She did not just fucking say that, did she?_ “Okay, not to be pedantic, but last I checked “went out” was in fact the past tense of “going out” – which I think we all know is a popular euphemism for “saw each other naked”.”

“I’ll just roll for you.” Leonard had forgotten Sheldon was still in the room. He ignored him.

“Do you have a problem with Justin staying with me?”

_Yes, you dumb bitch, what the fuck?_ Leonard wanted to say. Instead he said: “What was your first clue?” As the words left his mouth, he realized that that might not have been the perfect thing to say either.

“Uh-oh! Industrial accident.”

“You know what?” Penny stood up from her chair. “Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot.” Leonard stood up, as well.

“I’m not talking to you like you’re an idiot! I’m saying the whole idea is idiotic!”

“You accidentally stare at a helium-argon laser. Lose one turn and a retina.”

“How is that not talking to me like I’m an idiot?” Penny slightly raised her voice. “It’s my friend, it’s my couch, and it’s my fuckin life!”

“It’s also your roll.” _Can’t he just leave the room? We’re obviously fighting here._

“You know what?” Leonard’s voice picked up on volume, as well. “It is your life. If you wanna have some stupid guitarist stay on your couch, then fine! Why don’t you just rent some bunk beds and invite The Black Eyed Peas?!” The last words turned out louder than he intended.

“Hey”, Penny matched the volume, “if I wanna invite the entire lineup of Lollapalooza to sleep in my apartment, I will, and it’s none of your business!” As she said it, Sheldon stood up from his spot and went to the kitchen.

“Are you listening to yourself? Do you know how childish you sound right now?”

“Oh, now I’m a child?” _Are you fucking kidding me?_ “Well, at least I’m not an idiot anymore!” Sheldon turned on the blender.

“The two aren’t mutually exclusive!” _I should shut the fuck up._

“Oh, you are such a assho—What the hell is he doing?!” Penny turned to Sheldon’s direction. Sheldon ignored her.

“He’s drowning us out. He doesn’t like fighting.”

“Sheldon, just stop! Look, the fight is over!” Penny walked towards the door. “Oh, and FYI, you never even heard of The Black Eyed Peas until you met me!” She stormed out the apartment.

“I heard of ‘em!” Leonard shouted after Penny. “Didn’t know they were a band, though.” He turned to Sheldon. “Sheldon, she’s gone. You can turn off the blender.” He turned it off. _What the fuck was that? How am I in the wrong here?_

“Has your relationship reached its inevitable ugly end?”

_I don’t know._ “No, we just had a little spat.”

“Look on the bright side.” _This oughta be good._ “As result of Penny’s forfeit, you have become the world’s first winner of “Research Lab”.” Sheldon was putting ice in a plastic cup and pressed one half of an orange above it until juice protruded from it. “Would you like a commemorative snow cone?”


	2. Part 1

“ _I love Karen. But. . . does she complete me?”_

_“Taneisha, nobody completes anybody. That’s not a real thing. If you’re lucky enough to find someone you can halfway tolerate, you sink your nails in and you don’t let go, no matter what.”_

_“So, what, I should just. . . settle?”_

_“Yes, thank you, exactly. Settle. Because otherwise you’re just gonna get older, and harder, and more alone. And you’re gonna do everything you can to fill that hole, with friends, and your career, and meaningless sex, but the hole doesn’t get filled. And one day, you’re gonna look around and you’re gonna realize that everybody loves you, but nobody likes you. And that is the loneliest feeling in the world_.”

It was 2 a.m. and Leonard was sitting on the couch watching TV when somebody knocked insistently on the door.

“I’m coming, geez!”

When Leonard opened the door, Howard and Sheldon revealed themselves. Sheldon had left the apartment two days before, for reasons Leonard couldn’t comprehend. “He-e-ey . . .” Sheldon burst into the apartment. He had been leaning on the door. “There he is. There my old buddy bud bud.” He walked into the apartment while Howard looked irritated.

“What’s with him,” Leonard asked.

“Koothrapali dumped him on me, and he couldn’t get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom’s Valium in it . . .”, Howard said as casually as talking about the release of the new Spider-Man comic book. “But he still wouldn’t shut up, so tag, you’re It.” With that he left, leaving Leonard no time for objections. Sheldon and Leonard stood in the middle of the apartment.

“I’m ba-a-a-ack.” Sheldon said in a spooky tone.

“I still don’t know why you left.”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?” 

“I promised Penny.”

“You promised Penny what?” Leonard was confused. Penny and him had broken up three months ago. They were still friends, but it was no secret that their friendship had changed since she left him. With Sheldon intoxicated, Leonard saw a chance here to potentially find out the reason behind Penny ending the relationship.

“That I wouldn’t tell you the secret,” Sheldon said as he slid down on the armchair.

“What secret?” Leonard asked, now more attentive. _What the fuck is he talking about?_ “Tell me the secret.” Leonard insisted as he sat down next to Sheldon.

“Mom smokes in the car.” _What?_ “Jesus is okay with it but we can’t tell Dad.”

“What the fuck, man. Not that secret. The other secret.”

“I’M BATMAN – SHH!”

“Damn it! Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret. What’s the secret?”

“Okay, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell Leonard.”

_This guy._ “I promise.” Leonard said sarcastically. He felt bad coercing Sheldon into saying something he so clearly meant to keep to himself. But he had to know.

“You remember that time Penny’s friend came to L.A. and I let him sleep on our couch for a robot?”

“Yeah.”

“Fucking robot. Shit was so cheap it broke after I played with it like . . . two times.”

“Sheldon, focus. What did she tell you?”

“Oh, yeah, right, right. Well, she copulated with him.” This elicited a little snicker from Sheldon.

“SHE WHAT?!” _No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This can’t be true._ “I know you’re lying. Tell me what she told you.”

“I drank milk that tasted funny.”

“Come on, man. Did she really sleep with him? Why would she tell you, though?”

“I know, right? Guess we’re better friends than I thought.” As he said that, Sheldon stood up from the armchair and walked towards his room. He suddenly stopped and turned around. “I’m sorry, Leonard.”


	3. Part 2

_Come on, man. This can’t be true._ Leonard was still sitting in his chair, shaking, devastated at the news he had just received. His heart beating alarmingly fast. _She fucked him? She fucking had sex with Justin. Great! Fucking Great! Man, what the fuck, man._ Leonard leaned forward in his chair and placed his head in his hands, covering his face. Tears started to fill his eyes. _I was healing, man. What the fuck? Now I gotta go through it all over again?_ He let out a sob. _This didn’t need to happen, man. It fucking did not need to happen. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I thought I meant something to her, man. I thought we had something special._

Leonard felt a pain that he had never felt before. This was worse than when Penny decided to end the relationship. He was hurt then, too. He didn’t eat properly for weeks. However, he simply thought that Penny and him were at different stages in their lives and that as soon as she found herself they would find their way back together. That’s why he wanted to perpetuate a friendship with her. To remind her of the happy times they had had. To manipulate her into believing that there was no one better for her than him. He was good for her. He was good to her. This was different, though. Leonard felt a pain he had never felt before. He was experiencing many emotions at the same time, which were both confusing and new to him. He had trouble breathing. His heart felt as though a thousand small blades were stabbing at it all at once.

_I wasn’t good enough for her. I really thought we had something special, man._ “WHAT THE FU-U-U-U-CK?!” Leonard waited, listened. No one seemed to have heard him. Or if they did, they didn’t care. After he made sure that no one was going to disturb him in his thoughts, he burst into tears. He had never cried this much in his life. _I thought we had something special, man. What the fuck?! What the fuck am I saying? Of course she cheated on me. We weren’t good together. We weren’t meant for each other. Nobody is meant for me. I’m a fucking loser. Look at me. What the fuck is there to love? I’m short, ugly . . . I can’t even see right._

“FUCKING BI-I-I-TCH!” _Fucking bitch! Fucking bitch! Fucking bitch! Fucking Justin! She told me not to worry about him. She said “Don’t worry, baby. You’re the only one for me.” Oh, man._ Leonard cried even harder. _Why did she lie, man? She should’ve just told me then. She should’ve just told me, man. I’d have more time to get over it. I was already hurt. My heart was already broken. Might as well shatter it to pieces, too. Now I have to heal all over again. Why does it hurt so much?_

Leonard sat on his chair. Contemplating. _Maybe Sheldon doesn’t know what he’s saying. Don’t do this, man. Of course he does. Of course she cheated on me. Of course she fucked him. I wasn’t good enough for her. I’m not good enough for anybody. My mother didn’t love me so why should she?_ _What am I gonna do now? I’m so fucking lonely._ He sobbed. _Should I knock on her door? I don’t wanna throw Sheldon in front of the bus like that, though. I just wanna know why. Didn’t we have something good? I know we were so different but we had something good. I loved her so much. I still do. Why the fuck do I still love her so much? I wondered, man. I even asked her._ Towards the end, Leonard noticed a certain distant behavior from Penny. He knew that he wasn’t her priority any longer. Their sexual encounters became scarcer and scarcer. _She said everything was fine. I know the sex wasn’t that good, but come on, man. We could’ve worked on that. She didn’t have to sleep with him._ “She didn’t have to sleep with him, man. Fucking Justin. What the fuck?!” Tears were still rushing down his face.

Leonard started to reminisce about the happy times they shared. He remembered the time they finally started dating. That moment, when Penny finally agreed to date him. He let out a little chuckle. Penny never actually said they were dating. Leonard had returned from a three-month expedition to the North Pole with Sheldon, Howard, and Raj. Upon knocking on Penny’s door to inform her of their return, she kissed him. _Maybe we weren’t even dating, at all. She never really said the words now that I think about it. She just kissed me and I assumed that meant that my feelings were finally reciprocated._ That kiss contained emotions and thoughts that could never be expressed by simple, human-made words. It said “I missed you”, “I never wanna lose you again”, “Please never leave me again”, “I can’t believe you’re back”, “I was so worried about you”, “Hold me tight and never let me go”. At least that’s what Leonard thought. _She just took me. She always was good at taking what she wanted. My feelings are never reciprocated. I always give more love than I receive._

He started thinking about the nights they shared. _She really was amazing in bed._ Even though Leonard wasn’t the optimal lover, Penny always knew what to do, how to lead him, how to make their sex special. He remembered the way she kissed him, the way she stretched out her tongue to signal that she wanted him inside her. The way she stroked his penis still in his pants, the way she unbuttoned his pants, and pulled out his dick. The way she inserted the dick in her mouth, the way she looked up to him and just smiled. _Damn, that smile._ Leonard slowly slid his hands inside his pants and rubbed his penis. He was remembering her smoking body, her perfect breasts with her perfect nipples he so loved to suck. The way she moaned when he slid inside her, the way she would say things like “I love your dick”, the way she would call him “Daddy”. He started stroking his dick. He remembered the moments right before his climax when she put her arms and legs around him. Those were the moments when Leonard felt truly loved and appreciated. She wanted him close, hold him tight, and never let him go. As he reminisced about the way Penny’s body looked from behind when he fucked her, the strokes became faster and shorter. He closed his eyes, leaned his head backwards, and awaited the climax with anticipation. After he ejaculated and cleaned up the mess, he sat back on the couch, and let his thoughts run freely through his head.

_I should have seen the signs. They were there. This did not need to happen._ Leonard picked up his phone and saw that it was 4:15 in the morning. _I should go to sleep. How the fuck am I supposed to sleep now?_ Leonard’s thoughts were streaming through his mind, unstructured. His head full of strings all leading to the same emotion: pain. _Did she enjoy it? Did he make her cum? Who initiated it? Did she even think of me when she fucked him?_ Oddly enough he wished that someone would read his mind, his thoughts, and provide him with answers. Tell him that everything was going to be alright. Tell him that there are still people who cared about him. Then again, he didn’t care about people. He only cared about Penny. About what she thought of him. It was the not-knowing that was bothering Leonard the most. The not-knowing, that prevented Leonard from going to sleep; that kept his mind at unease. _Did she feel bad? Was it fun for her? Did she have sex on her bed? The bed we shared so many times. The bed in which I told her I loved her. And she said “thank you”. Fucking “thank you”. You can stick your “thank you” up your ass, you dumb bitch._

Leonard wasn’t alone. He was never alone. He was lonely, though. No one desired him romantically let alone sexually. He wiped the tears off his eyes with his sleeve and slowly got up from the couch. He walked towards his room when he collapsed on the floor and burst into tears again. _We can never get past this. How are we gonna get past this? This will never not have happened. It happened and it can never be undone. Man, fuck me. Fuck me and my mediocrity. Why couldn’t she just love me? What the fuck is so wrong about me?_ He was crouching in the hallway, his knees bent, his head lying in his arms. _Please, somebody tell me what’s so wrong about me?_


End file.
